Football Deconstructed

As you know, I live down under (which is easier to say than Australia and/or New Zealand, since we seem to be in a migration pattern between the two countries - much like African Swallows). Anyway, down under has several varieties of "football", a fact which most Americans remain blissfully unaware of, or think that the distinction lies in different classes of football, such as Pop Warner, High School, College, NFL, etc. No, there are really different kinds of football here. I have already rudely mini-blogged in BK's blog (sorry BK!) and felt the need to expand my thoughts (at this point you, gentle reader(s) are probably saying "OMG please NO!!!!!!!"). Too bad.

There's actually a hierarchy, a taxonomy, if you will, of football down under.
1. Gridiron or American football, which i trust I do not have to discuss at length here.

2. Soccer (or as those Europeans call it - Football) which I also won't discuss because it bores me senseless.

3. Down Under football, called Rugby. But did you know that there are actually several kinds of rugby?

Rugby Union - this is probably the most well known to people in the US. Think "All Blacks" - the $150 jerseys that you can buy in all the Duty Free Shops in New Zealand. This is the ruck, tackle, maul school of rugby, where backward lateral passes and kicking are pretty much the only way to advance the ball. The biggest games of the year involve the national sides (their terminology for teams) such as Australia (boo) and New Zealand (YAY). The guys are big, pretty much all built like Offensive Lineman (you know, those 350 pound Samoan guys that are in vogue right now) and have cauliflower ears from years of people mauling them. The game actually moves pretty slowly (although, I agree, not nearly as slowly as NFL). They don't wear padding except for some guys that wear soft helmets to keep what's left of their brains in their heads.

Rugby League - this is essentially the same type of game as Union, but they pass the ball after someone is tackled by putting it on the ground and kicking it slightly behind them into the hands of a teammate. Again, they do have similar rules to Union but seem to have more ways of moving the ball around, thus it seems to be slightly more interesting. I have to admit that I am still learning what the hell is going on most of the time. I don't understand the genesis of the terminology - for example, scoring is called a try. They already tried and were successful, so why not call it a success? Also there are different kinds of tries. (It took me years to realise that where they put the ball down in the end zone (I guess it's the try zone?) matters as that is where they have to kick the extra point from. And, an important point, the ball has to actually touch the ground, not just break the plane as it does in NFL.) Then they give something called a "penalty try" which is sort of saying "If that guy hadn't knocked you unconscious, you would have been able to score a try and therefore we shall award pity points to you". Bizzare.

AFL or Australian Rules Football (Aussie Rules) - This is a really fast paced game which is mostly kicking the ball around the OVAL, not a rectangle. Most of the teams are located in and around Melbourne and people seem to be hugely passionate about this game. It is more entertaining and more women seem to like it (a fact that I attribute mainly to the uniforms they wear, which are short shorts and sleeveless jerseys. And, because there is very little contact in this brand of football, the guys are generally better looking as their ears and faces don't get all disfigured. If you're into that sort of thing). I won my project's footy (that's what they call all brands of football here, as in "I'm going to watch the footy or the rugby - the "the" is important apparently. Oddly, instead of going to "The hospital" you go to hospital. I just don't get it.) pool this year, much to the chagrin of everyone else. They are very passionate about their teams, where as I went with picking the favorites each time. And won. They all barrack for their sides (if you say rooting for their team, as Americans do, they all snicker - because rooting here is slang for having sex). As in "Who ya barracking for, mate?"

Why this discussion about football? Because the Kiwi and I have suddenly gotten interested in it. We now always watch any football which involves NZ vs. Australia. We have become quite nationalistic in our fervor. You have to understand, the LAST thing I ever thought the Kiwi would be interested in is football of any kind, but she now screams at the TV as though her national identity is at stake (and besides, the Aussies are whiny losers which is quite entertaining). NZ won the Rubgy League World Cup last week in a huge upset over the Australians, and we've heard nothing but crying all week. "The controversial Penalty Try" - Oh, the humanity!!. Never mind that it was just a good ass whuppin' on the NZ team's part.

I might have to get me one of those t-shirts in Duty Free next time I go through which says "My favourite team is the All Blacks and whoever is playing Australia". Goodonyamate.

Primavera

Springtime in Canberra......You can tell it's springtime here by the swooping magpies and the arrival of the sticky flies. When the magpies nest here they get very territorial and swoop everything that they perceive as a threat - dogs, other birds, people and cyclists. One of the sure signs of spring is the bicyclists who have tied computer cable ties and pipe cleaners to the tops of their helmets (through the vents). Other people put eyes on their helmets, which apparently scares the magpies off. Experts recommend that you even wear headgear made out of an ice cream container or cardboard box (really - http://www.environment.nsw.gov.au/plantsanimals/TheAustralianMagpie.htm). I've heard that you should either not look them in the eye or look them in the eye (depending on who you talk to). I give them a wide berth as they are scary little critters.

The other sign of spring is the flies. When the weather gets warm here they get lots of flies. Sticky flies. They fly around your head and are supremely irritating. Everyone inhales at least one fly per summer, more if you are out cycling or walking, etc. I got buzzed by my first fly the other day which means that it's going to be a long, hot summer.

Eno & Byrne

Here is the latest collaboration from Brian Eno and David Byrne.

http://www.everythingthathappens.com/

Yes, I am aware that this is cheating from a blogging standpoint.

CERN Rap

This is an awesome video. It should be shown in schools.

http://www.vimeo.com/1431471

Snowball Effect

A curious phenomenon has occurred while I've been sequestered away in Canberra. Inexplicably, I have been sucked into a vortex of collecting Hello Kitty items. It started out innocently enough - one of my workmates sent me a HK picture in an e-mail, and then we started joking around about it, and then she bought me a HK clock for Christmas as a joke, while I got her a HK memory stick.

The next thing you know, I'm at the Royal Canberra Show (the Australian equivalent to a State Fair) and I'm buying a Hello Kitty showbag. They sell all sorts of showbags at the show - hence the name - and the HK showbag was one of the most popular. It included stickers, magnets, a pencil case, makeup, a disposable camera and a trash can amongst other treasures. Even the bag had HK on it (and she's now displayed in all her glory on my bulletin board), and a picture of that is on my cellphone's wallpaper.

Now other people are giving me HK items as well - some other workmates make a monthly pilgrimage to a local Asian grocer and they found all sorts of HK treats, so I had some sultana biscuits delivered in a lovely reusable plastic pouch. I've got pens with HK wearing some sort of feather boa, a lollipop and a HK bouncing around on a spring. Every once in a while a new HK item arrives - I got four HK DVDs for my birthday.

It's all a bit scary and a lesson to us all - how a joke is funny...until it becomes an obsession.

It's True!

There really ain't no rhyme for oranges. Check out http://www.writerhymes.com/.

Over/Under

The smartest and best thing I ever did was move Down Under to live with The Kiwi. The last ten years have been an awesome experience - not only did I get to experience living in another hemisphere, where the phone rings twice and the water seems to swirl the other way down the drain (not to mention driving on 'the other side' of the road), but I have lived with the most amazing person I've ever known. I'll probably write about some of the experiences I've had and the differences I've noticed later, but I've always looked at this as the best thing I've done.

Happy 10th Anniversary, to us.

Stuff I've Won

For Damething

Peanuts: My Mom guessed how many peanuts were in a shop window (we helped so I claim an assist). She got tickets to see "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown", a cast album and well, peanuts. It was an important moment in my young life because I figured out that there are, indeed, some things in life that are free.

Basketball Pool Number 1: I won enough money to buy a recumbent stationary bike, which made a useful clothes holder.

Basketball Pool Number 2: I won enough money to have a set of golf clubs made for me. Those I've definitely used.

The PEI Putter: Years ago I was going to work in Prince Edward Island for a few weeks and while looking at a tourism website, entered a drawing for a putter. I won. Picked it up personally. Didn't help my putting at all but it looks cool.

A Trip To Italy: Technically it wasn't a contest that I entered (it was a work thing), but I got to go because the guy that did originally win it decided to quit his job (and his trip) at the last minute. We went to Florence for four nights. I brought my friend Fishbeck because he's the only person I know that could actually go to Italy with five days notice. It was an awesome trip.

Tennis Open Trip: Not long after I moved to New Zealand, I realised that I should enter as many contests as possible because, hey, there were only 3.5 million people and about 3.49 million didn't believe that anyone actually won contests. So, I bought some beer, filled out the entry form and got a call a few weeks later that I won. We flew to Auckland, had 7 nights at a fancy schmancy B&B, had tickets to a tennis open, $1500 spending money, a dinner cruise and a Mercedes to drive for a week.

Pasta Pot: I won a pasta pot. Not sexy, but I won it.

$100 Bar Tab: I won it. In a bar. Shouted many people drinks.

Trip to Sydney: The travel agency that my employer used had a Christmas drinks function every year and gave away prizes. The first prize was airfare for two to Sydney. As you can probably guess, I won. The airline even upgraded us to Business Class. Our flight out of Sydney was delayed several hours so we were forced to sit in this posh lounge and drink champagne all morning. Tragic.

I've won lots of other little things that I can't really remember - cookbooks, free yogurt, stuff like that.

So, Damething, happy now??

Post One

I have no idea why I'm doing this except that Damething dared me. It's more complicated than you'd guess, because every clever name I came up with had already been taken - multiple times (which, I suppose, is more indicative of my lack of creativity than a world-wide plot focused on making it difficult for me to blog).

I guess my first task is to come up with clever aliases for my family and friends that I may or may not blog about. I mean, you're usually safe to say "My Mom" or "My Dad" because that's a fairly anonymous alias - get a kid to yell "MOM!!" in a supermarket which will give you a good idea of the commonality of the name. But how do you talk about your beloved (without actually saying "My Beloved", which is just plain pretentious in a Melissa Etheridge-y sort of way)?

I feel that I will spend a lot of time speaking parenthetically in this blog (which, come to think of it, is how I speak in real life).

Enough.