Football Deconstructed

As you know, I live down under (which is easier to say than Australia and/or New Zealand, since we seem to be in a migration pattern between the two countries - much like African Swallows). Anyway, down under has several varieties of "football", a fact which most Americans remain blissfully unaware of, or think that the distinction lies in different classes of football, such as Pop Warner, High School, College, NFL, etc. No, there are really different kinds of football here. I have already rudely mini-blogged in BK's blog (sorry BK!) and felt the need to expand my thoughts (at this point you, gentle reader(s) are probably saying "OMG please NO!!!!!!!"). Too bad.

There's actually a hierarchy, a taxonomy, if you will, of football down under.
1. Gridiron or American football, which i trust I do not have to discuss at length here.

2. Soccer (or as those Europeans call it - Football) which I also won't discuss because it bores me senseless.

3. Down Under football, called Rugby. But did you know that there are actually several kinds of rugby?

Rugby Union - this is probably the most well known to people in the US. Think "All Blacks" - the $150 jerseys that you can buy in all the Duty Free Shops in New Zealand. This is the ruck, tackle, maul school of rugby, where backward lateral passes and kicking are pretty much the only way to advance the ball. The biggest games of the year involve the national sides (their terminology for teams) such as Australia (boo) and New Zealand (YAY). The guys are big, pretty much all built like Offensive Lineman (you know, those 350 pound Samoan guys that are in vogue right now) and have cauliflower ears from years of people mauling them. The game actually moves pretty slowly (although, I agree, not nearly as slowly as NFL). They don't wear padding except for some guys that wear soft helmets to keep what's left of their brains in their heads.

Rugby League - this is essentially the same type of game as Union, but they pass the ball after someone is tackled by putting it on the ground and kicking it slightly behind them into the hands of a teammate. Again, they do have similar rules to Union but seem to have more ways of moving the ball around, thus it seems to be slightly more interesting. I have to admit that I am still learning what the hell is going on most of the time. I don't understand the genesis of the terminology - for example, scoring is called a try. They already tried and were successful, so why not call it a success? Also there are different kinds of tries. (It took me years to realise that where they put the ball down in the end zone (I guess it's the try zone?) matters as that is where they have to kick the extra point from. And, an important point, the ball has to actually touch the ground, not just break the plane as it does in NFL.) Then they give something called a "penalty try" which is sort of saying "If that guy hadn't knocked you unconscious, you would have been able to score a try and therefore we shall award pity points to you". Bizzare.

AFL or Australian Rules Football (Aussie Rules) - This is a really fast paced game which is mostly kicking the ball around the OVAL, not a rectangle. Most of the teams are located in and around Melbourne and people seem to be hugely passionate about this game. It is more entertaining and more women seem to like it (a fact that I attribute mainly to the uniforms they wear, which are short shorts and sleeveless jerseys. And, because there is very little contact in this brand of football, the guys are generally better looking as their ears and faces don't get all disfigured. If you're into that sort of thing). I won my project's footy (that's what they call all brands of football here, as in "I'm going to watch the footy or the rugby - the "the" is important apparently. Oddly, instead of going to "The hospital" you go to hospital. I just don't get it.) pool this year, much to the chagrin of everyone else. They are very passionate about their teams, where as I went with picking the favorites each time. And won. They all barrack for their sides (if you say rooting for their team, as Americans do, they all snicker - because rooting here is slang for having sex). As in "Who ya barracking for, mate?"

Why this discussion about football? Because the Kiwi and I have suddenly gotten interested in it. We now always watch any football which involves NZ vs. Australia. We have become quite nationalistic in our fervor. You have to understand, the LAST thing I ever thought the Kiwi would be interested in is football of any kind, but she now screams at the TV as though her national identity is at stake (and besides, the Aussies are whiny losers which is quite entertaining). NZ won the Rubgy League World Cup last week in a huge upset over the Australians, and we've heard nothing but crying all week. "The controversial Penalty Try" - Oh, the humanity!!. Never mind that it was just a good ass whuppin' on the NZ team's part.

I might have to get me one of those t-shirts in Duty Free next time I go through which says "My favourite team is the All Blacks and whoever is playing Australia". Goodonyamate.